30 & beyond

 If I ever have a daughter, I swear I'll raise her to be less independent. Not to make her depend on a man - it's not 1920 -, but to make her be able to at least pretend that she kinda needs one. Let me apologize in advance to this future child, sorry kiddo, you're in for the time of your life. I mean, I don't want to sound ungrateful at all. Now I can say with confidence that I have met good men. Believe me, it's a huge thing coming from me. I blame feminism. For a lot of things. Just kidding. Half kidding. Let me break this down for you. All my chickenshit life (another beautiful Hungarian expression that doesn't translate) I have been on my own. -Insert sad violin background music here- There is nothing sad about this statement. It's a good thing. I'm not a lost child in the forest looking for mommy. I have always made my own decisions, stirred the boat on rough waters to directions I've chosen, got through the storm on my own. Yes, I've had...

First of all, let me apologize for making that post sound so effortless, braggy and relationship-people-like. I feel like it's time to add more thoughts to When you know you know , because it didn't exactly reflect what's going on in my mind - or maybe it did that time, but that was happiness talking, not me. Sorry, I'm not really used to the feeling, but willing to cope. The reason I wrote that post was to have written proof that what relationship people keep telling you about finding the right one at the right time has some truth. After re-reading it a couple of times and as I've gone through the first difficulties in my new relationship, I've realized, that post made relationships sound so easy-peasy, lemon squeezy, when in reality they can be difficult, difficult, lemon difficult. The last thing I want is single girls reading this blog thinking they need to jump ship at the first sign of trouble, because someone said when you meet the right one there are ...

 Let me put a pause on romance. I have another very important topic to talk about, drumrolls please. Friendship. Believe me, I'm just as miserable in it as in my romantic relationships. Welcome to the circus, I'm the clown. I suck at small talk. I tend to surround myself by people that don't, so they do the job while I work on the snacks. If I'm in a group of people that I'm not familiar with, I just sit in a corner quietly, look for a dog/cat to pet, and if there's none around, I eat what I can and hope they won't make me talk with my mouth full. If I see a couple of friendly faces I drink my alcoholic beverage fast enough to get at least a prison buzz so I'll be able to talk to them eventually, if I decide to. But what I say is never what they prepare for. It's more like rain on me tsunami, God bless us all. Let me tell you a story of how I made a friend last year. Technically I was still in my twenties (for two more months), but according to my fa...

 I have the habit of assuming that I know it all, I don't know if you can tell. Well, ladies and gentlemen, today I learnt that I do not know it all, in fact, there is a lot more to discover than what I thought. I guess I'm indeed not ready to retire and open a sandwich shop by the ocean just yet, no matter how hard I am trying to convince everyone around me. Sometimes the borders of our comfort zone are not so clear to see. Especially if you live in Luxembourg. Life can get cozy, we often call this place a bubble where not much happens, but it gives you just enough to not leave. Living in Luxembourg is not particularly hard. You work in finance, rent a ridiculously expensive apartment, but still have enough money to travel somewhere every second month if you feel like and the pandemic lets you. You call this a lifestyle and feel special for doing it, even though five hundred thousand others do exactly the same around you. I'm no exception. Back in Hungary, this sounded l...

 I'm not dead, just frozen. This time I'll make no excuses for my absence, I'll just tell you how it feels when time stands still. I've lost sense of space and time. You might say aww that's so cute, it happens when you're in love . Then I open my mouth and the shitshow begins. I keep torturing myself for not feeling a certain way, that's basically the story of my life. When I'm sad, I make myself miserable for not feeling happy. When I'm happy, I remind myself that it won't last. When all my emotions barge in like the tornado last year, I stand still like a renaissance statue, hoping that it won't do much damage. Well, it always does, that's why we call it a catastrophe. It's not always easy to see a certain situation clearly. Most of the time it isn't. You try to make reason by using logic, feelings, intuitions, lists of pros and cons, but at the end of the day the answer is always in your guts. In my defence, I destroyed my gut...