...stressed out and tired
I wrote that four months ago. One would think life gets breezy after the highly mystified goal set by society of getting married and settling down.
The truth is: absolutely nothing at all, in any way, has changed. If anything, my husband and I get to wink at each other every once in a while, knowing that we're now legally partners for life, partners in crime. And the crime is all the bs life throws at us.
Where do I start, four months after our legal wedding and a month and a half after our big celebration with family and friends? I'm not quite sure what I'll end up writing about and for the love of whatever God you believe in, I don't want to throw any glitter on the turd of what organizing a wedding celebration really is.
Let's put this all in chronological order.
We got married in June, on the thirteenth, which was a Friday. We did that on purpose. We gathered all the necessary documents, embassies involved, and aged about 84 years - spoiler alert: the full process is still not over four months later. We did not expect much from the townhall wedding; going in, signing papers, going home. For our surprise, this was the most fun, intimate and romantic part of the whole process. We invited our friends for champagne after - and to take photos of us - and went for burgers. To this day, I say this was the sweetest memory for both of us of getting married. I got to wear dress number one to a fast food restaurant which was honestly more like me than anything that I could have imagined.
Then I had my bachelorette weekend with the girls. As a project manager, I should have known better. God bless everyone involved, I knew it was a rookie mistake letting control out of my hands. I've never been able to do that before, and I shouldn't have started it there and then. We were in a beautiful villa in France and let's leave it at that.
The big marriage celebration was everything we've ever dreamt and more. As this whole blog is linked to my Instagram, I'm going to let the photos and videos speak for themselves, but I couldn't have wished for anything more us. It was a dream.
And now I'm married. I'm almost thirty-six and I've got what in the last few years I lost hope of ever getting. Especially with him. This is less of degrading him and more of the fact that we both entered this relationship telling each other that we didn't want to get married. And then we did. Sometimes I still don't understand how it happened, even though, every single time I think about him being my husband, I have tears in my eyes. I know, I know... There's the glitter on the turd.
I don't want to mislead anyone. This is far from what you see on tv. It's not about that one perfect person - even though he became that over time. It's not about the right time, and believe me, it's unrelated to whatever they use, to measure how much you're looking for it. Let all of that go, if you're still looking, you're not doing anything wrong. Let me tell you instead how we decided to get married.
We came back from Zanzibar in December; him being proud of himself for proposing and me screaming in the bathroom with c-diff. We sat down and opened ChatGPT. I knew he'd always wanted to do the civil partnership thingy, so we looked into the details and the advantages. We compared the list with the marriage info and I asked him at the end when we had all the details; "what do you prefer?". To add a hint of glitter to it, I already saw in his eyes when we started our research that he was leaning towards marriage, and that made my little black heart smile. Then he said; "let's go for marriage". A couple of months later we had our appointment, we had the rings and we had everything organized for the party. The party, that was originally planned to be with 30-40 people, and ended in a guest list of 100.
That was a month and a half ago. I'm still exhausted. Since then I've done different courses, different viruses, several family- and work dramas and multiple crisises. Even if that's not a word, that's what I've done. I can't catch a break. It's very hard to explain to people why I don't want to be around them. It was a lot. I don't know what it's like to be a kindergarten teacher of a class of 100, but I don't think I'm very far with my experience. No offence to anyone individually, but a little offence to everyone as a herd. It's all natural and all expected. I just didn't know it, but now I do.
I'm still not sure what I'd change if I could go back; the mini-"pre"-wedding was a lot of fun, and so was the big one. But I might just elope, if I could plan it all over again with what I know today. It was absolutely amazing, and everyone at the time of the event was too. It's the weeks before and after that took a toll on me, and I am not the smartest peanut in the turd for scheduling so much brain-capacity-requiring things right after the event. Also, I bet you didn't expect reading the word turd so much in one post.
So now I'm married. I can't yet write about how great it is to be married, however I do enjoy the fact that his eyes light up everytime he says "my wife". That's the cute part. The smash-you-in-the-face-with-a-brick part of it is that I have not seen him much since the wedding. We've both been extremely busy, and there were full weekends that we spent separated. On the bright side, people say ahaha you won't get bored of each other. I guess we won't indeed, János, we won't. I do miss him.
I miss him in many ways a woman can miss a man. I don't need him to change a lightbulb and I don't need him to pay the electricity bill once said lightbulb is fully functional. I've always taken care of myself in that way. I miss him in the sense that now that I have a husband, I would like to feel like I have a husband. I've never had one before, so I'm not sure what it should feel like, but I'm quite sure it's not this. I don't blame anything or anyone, more so, even if we have an evening here and there together, I get down with the flu so I'm barely there myself, it's just a Lidl-middle-aisle-reduced-priced-version of the woman he married. And that sucks.
You would stop here now and say; but Vivien, what about the honeymoon?
Excellent question, thank you Carole. I will go on a holiday with my mother sooner than I go on a honeymoon with my husband.
Let's breathe together. I took a sip of red.
It's not as Freudian as it sounds; my father passed away last year and we vowed to take his ashes to the sea as a family instead of a traditional funeral. That has not happened yet. We'll do that first, so that won't hang over our heads during the honeymoon, and we can go into it with more peace. My life has always been a little bit inside-out and upside-down.
I'm not quite sure what to expect from a honeymoon, it's been very up and down with all this marriage-stuff this year, but one thing you can be absolutely sure about: I'll make damn sure to write about it.
Give mama a minute of peace, and I'll be back with fully recharged energy to bitch about things and stuff.
Not the ending you expected, but the ending you deserve.
Just kidding - all peachy. I'm back soon.
X
Mrs V
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