Dirty, thirty and selfish

Let me start by announcing that there are toilets in the drive-in cinema. Man, the cleanest toitois I've ever seen in my entire life! I got so excited that I had to go twice. If nothing else comes out of it, at least we definitely learnt how to properly clean shit during this pandemic.

What do you do when the date goes well? Are you happy, excited, butterflies in your stomach? Texting all the girls about how much fun you had? Checking your phone every minute from the moment they dropped you off waiting for their goodnight message even though you're well aware of the fact that they are still driving home and expect them to crash their car just for the beautiful soul that you are? No, that's for your teenage years (and twenties if your light hasn't broken yet).

When you're thirty and been single for a year, you go home after your date, sit down on your couch and there is only one thing you do. You panic. It's kind of funny how you complain 24/7 about being alone and not getting where you're planning to be, but when you actually have the slightest chance for it, you freak out. Why am I like this? You might ask. Let me tell you why you are like this.

You're done playing games. Had enough adventures. Had enough childish boyfriends that changed their minds as the wind blows. Now you know exactly what you want. And that scares you. It's hard to notice how attached one can get to their freedom whilst wishing it away. You know what you want, but not at any cost. At the same time, you're happy alone. You want the next one to be the last one. How the hell is that not supposed to scare you? The scariest part is to try to make sense of all the thoughts mixed up in your head: can I picture my life with him? Would he be a good father? Why am I thinking about this? Damn, those toilets were clean! We've only been on one date, but is he the one? The answer is: how the hell are you supposed to know?

There is literally nothing wrong with being confused. In our twenties we jump from one relationship to another carelessly, like, oh this one didn't work out, alright, the next one will. And that attitude leads you right down the road to thirty. Or up the road, if I may. And let me tell you here - there is nothing scary about being thirty - once you've turned thirty. If you're thirty and still don't know what you want - that's fine too. Don't stress yourself out. Let yourself figure it out, you'll get there. And if at the end of the day settling down isn't for you - well, simply don't!

I've known for a while what I want but took many, many wrong turns on the way there. And I am still confused. Not about what I want, but how to get it. And let me circle back now to why your thoughts confuse you. You've been alone for a while, you got used to it. You're a big girl now (or boy, and if you are, thank you for reading me), you can take care of yourself. You don't need someone else to do that for you. But then suddenly someone enters your life and starts to do it. You look at them like, no I can do this, I don't need you to do this, I know how to. I learnt it. Well, did you have a choice? When you're single, things are done when you get them done. You are your own babysitter. Then a grown ass man comes and offers to clean up the kitchen after lunch in your apartment? How dare he?!

Here comes the confusion. Do you want him to? Are you going to let a stranger in your world and show vulnerability again when it didn't work out the last time? Or the time before. Or the time before that. Will you let him stay?

And you go through all of these thoughts within an hour after the date. If that doesn't confuse you, you can stop reading, I won't have anything new to tell you. So you sit there in your apartment, confusing the shit out of yourself with your own thoughts, while the only pure positive one you have is how clean those toilets were - you're still impressed by that and you go to bed with a smile on your face. Because that's what we appreciate the most above thirty.

V