I wasted a toothbrush on the last guy. It was seventy-five cents and that counts all my losses. The problem with these cute baby steps is that babies fall a lot. And once fallen, all you've got to do is get up and keep going. But do you still remember where exactly you were going originally?
Four years ago I was a completely different person. Carefree, less different kind of anxieties, and just enjoying life from my guts. 2016 was my worst and best year so far. Then 2020 happened, but I think we all agree on this one, don't even make me say anything about it, I wouldn't use the word best in one sentence with it. 2016 felt like a fuckin' decade. I beat depression (my biggest achievement so far), changed countries and career path, and overall started a new life with a brand new way of thinking. I also had tons of obstacles in my way, there were days when I was just stuck in bed crying, but I would never trade those experiences for anything. I wish I could say (or maybe not that much, let's see how this post goes) they shaped me for life, but mostly they shaped me for a good year. I was strong, happy and free - and it was very much recognized. I didn't want to tie myself down at any cost. Then someone came and dared to treat me well and fucked it up completely. But this post is not about him - there won't be any.
Giving up my freedom and basically who I was in 2016 for someone I thought was worth it changed me first for (what society considers) the better -, then losing him changed me for the bitter. I couldn't and didn't want to go back to who I was four years before that. I also felt like I was too old for that kind of mentality. However anytime I think about how life was back then, it brings back sweet memories, I feel nostalgic and I even miss it a little bit from time to time. I still thought there was no way for me to go backwards. But never say never and other clichés, right?
I often say never go backwards, you've already been there, there is nothing new for you there. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this might be the first time I break my own rule. (Don't go back to your exes though, that's just plain stupid.) In the last twelve months I tried to act all grown up and smart, but I still managed to give the wrong impression to certain people. I'm still working on not caring about what people think of me - coming from Hungary this is a huge thing for me, we judge. All I remember from those times is how much easier everything was. I didn't want to settle down, I didn't feel the pressure of time and I certainly did not give a single fuck. By turning thirty feeling the same way as I did when I was twenty-six seemed impossible. Until I gave in to that temptation I mentioned last night. Shame shame shame. Start to collect stones to throw at me.
The problem with having something kind and honest is that it feels better than everything that turned into lies lately. No matter how sweet the so said serious relationships were since last year, they all ended up turning into bitter memories. I would like to thank the participants for their attendance and now please walk a million steps away from me towards North. That's five hundred miles, please don't forget to sing da da da. When you feel a change coming that isn't necessarily positive, your first instinct is probably to stop it from happening. As a more or less good person, you probably don't want to turn back into someone that you were happy to get rid of. At the time of that change it all made sense. But when the reason that changed you is gone, is it worth staying the same person you were while it was there? Isn't it in our nature to constantly change? Wasn't I the one who said that?
We all have a better and a worse side. From time to time one of them takes over the dominance. It's hard to realize and harder to accept that the monster sleeping under your bed is also you. When you feel the need to offer it a more comfortable place to sleep in and invite it inside your bed, does that immediately make you a bad person? Do all changes need to be a hundred percent positive? And if it makes you feel stronger and happier, is that really a negative change or just something different than what you were used to lately? Getting used to something that makes you bitter inside and totally fed up with life doesn't sound so positive to me. The biggest mistake we can make in life is getting used to something bad. As I said before, you don't need to stick to your previous needs and you don't have to want what you used to want. Maybe it's time for me to listen to myself.
Sometimes being a good girl doesn't pay off. In the above mentioned year (2016 if you're also on your second gin and tonic and you already forgot) I was not a foster girlfriend to any of the men I was seeing. That makes it sound like there were a lot. There were some. A close-to-normal number. Let's move on. I didn't put much effort in satisfying their everyday needs. None of them asked me to be their girlfriend (it's probably because I told them not to), so I didn't act like one. And that made them want to stick around, desperately. The issue with this was that back then I didn't want them to stick around at all. Being perfectly happy alone is dangerous and highly addictive. You may easily seem stone cold and heartless. Even if it's most probably not the case, men don't understand why you can't let go of control of your own life - when they want you to (there's the twist). You're the only person that knows exactly how to make you happy, and when you do, you don't feel the need for that to come from someone else. Treat yourself good and spoil the shit out of yourself, you deserve it. As time goes by it also starts to seem impossible for your happiness to come from someone else. (Then you'll probably give in to the wrong person and end up in my situation - or give in to the right one and end up getting married like all of my friends.)
So this is the mental state I've been in for twenty-four hours now and - God forgive me -, I like every minute of it. I'm not saying I completely changed back to the monster girl I was four years ago, but I'm also not craving what I did in the last couple of years. I feel lighter and breathe easier. I no longer want to take baby steps and won't give out toothbrushes for free. It was seventy-five cents for me babe, it's seventy-five for you too. Be glad that I don't overcharge you. Also, brush your teeth at home, ffs.
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