I dyed my hair rose blonde today. This is something that I've always wanted to try, but for several reasons I kept delaying it, just to realize I no longer wanted it - as soon as it was done. Even though the circumstances were finally right and the color suits me a lot, I just don't feel it and I will change it back. The heart wants what it wants.
Or does it?
In my opinion and experience, our taste, preferences and needs change as we grow older. This shouldn't be shocking, I haven't said anything new yet, but please bear with me. I used to hate pineapples as a kid, and now I can't get enough of them. I used to prefer crowded places and going out to clubs than a quiet night in, but now I appreciate more having my friends over for game night, ordering in, having some drinks and talking shit. My point is: no matter what you used to want in the past, it doesn't necessarily mean that you still want that now. This is exactly when some closed-minded people go up to you and tell you that you changed when you change your opinion about something or don't give them the expected answer. My reply for "you changed" is "thank you". I probably didn't simply change, but grew. Imagine staying exactly the same person during your whole life without improving yourself. Without discovering new things. Without shaping your mind. Just standing perfectly still. How sad would that be?
You changed.
Thank God, you changed! There is not a deadline for when a person is "ready". Do we sit in an oven with a timer on that goes off when you reach thirty and then someone takes you out to check if you're married now, have kids, have a high-paying job, own a house and at least one car? Then they put you back, because in their opinion you're not ready yet? We constantly change. Just because at the age 28 you wanted all of the above, it doesn't mean that's still what you want at age 38. Now, if you're smart, loving, respectful and your emotional intelligence exceeds a 3 year old's, you probably won't throw everything away just because that's no longer your preference. If you're really suffering in the consequences of your old choices, you probably will. And this, kids, is how people get divorced. Does it mean you're a bad person? Not at all. Will society judge you? Absolutely. Isn't that all they do? Anyway. If you don't change, you might as well be dead.
This is the exact reason why it grinds my gears when people think they have it all figured out and tell you where you should be at, in your own life. Forgive me for what I've sinned, I used to prefer emotionally unavailable men in the past and that caused a little delay in what society planned for me by thirty. So as it seems I have reached my expiration date, and now what? Should I just dig a hole and sit in it thinking about where I went wrong? Does it matter that I look younger, officer?
Jokes aside - just because you think you have it all and are loud about it, doesn't mean that life won't happen to you too. There is no way of telling the future and what you will desire in it. One of my top three most hated questions is "Where do you see yourself in five years?" - yes I do very well in job interviews. I would honestly love to respond with "idk lol is your company planning to cease to exist?". (A little side note: I get fired a lot for that reason.) In my opinion that is a question you can only answer with a lie. Yes, it's good to have plans. Yes, you will sound motivated if you answer that with what they want to hear. But let me ask you. Are you exactly where you planned to be five years ago?
Would you want to be where you planned to be five years ago?
Story time. Five years ago I was unemployed, stuck in a terrible relationship that completely destroyed my confidence, I was changing apartments for probably the seventeenth time and had a shitty car that broke down more than it was on the roads. I thought in five years everything would change. And I did the best I could for everything to change. A lot of exciting things happened in those five years. I have done things I never thought I would be able to do. I experienced a lot and learnt to appreciate life's complexity. I met amazing people. Some of them left, some of them stayed. I changed apartments three more times. I was finally acknowledged at work. Then I wasn't. And you know where I am today? I am about to become unemployed again (see above) and most probably change apartments again. No terrible relationship, though, yay. Is this where I planned to be by now exactly five years ago? No. Did I do my best to navigate in life? Yes. Is this exactly where I need to be right now? Yes.
A person has no expiration date. Their preferences might have. I think it's just about time to let go of this twisted idea and let everyone live their lives however the fuck they want to live their lives. I'm not saying that changing your mind every week about what you want is healthy, but if you do it once in a while, that's not something you should be judged for. We'll learn that eventually, or at least I really hope so. Coming from Eastern-Europe this is still a big deal in my family. And generally, in the whole country. You have the whole timeline of your life planned out by society. They still don't understand why I don't own a house by now, even though I keep mentioning that a studio costs half a million euros in Luxembourg, not twenty thousand as in my hometown and I am currently not in the possession of that amount of money. However, the same question will pop up this Christmas again, I'm telling you now. It's a bit better over here, especially in Luxembourg where people usually come for/after university literally from everywhere and everything is a little bit beautifully delayed. I know so many people here that started their master's above thirty. And there is nothing wrong with that! Go get it tiger, I'll buy you drink when you graduate. Or I'll go with you and you can buy me one as I will probably be unemployed again. In Hungary if you start your studies that late, you are frowned upon. Not the fact that you still go to university, you. How dare you choose self-improvement over waking up with the Sun and feeding the chickens every morning at 5? I don't know when chickens are fed.
Let yourself grow away from worn-out ideas. Allow yourself to change what you want from time to time. Do it respectfully. Do it without the limitation of time. Try. Fail. Try again. Improve. Just because you said you wanted something ten years ago you don't need to stick to it. You don't have to want it. And if you fool yourself by thinking you still want the very same thing when you clearly don't, dye it rose blonde, then dye it back.
Live.
V
(This post isn't promoting divorce, thank you for your attention.)
Comments
Post a Comment