I found the answer faster than expected. It's not trust issues, it's being smart. I would like to thank my thirtyfivethousandonehundredandtwentysixth heartbreak to get me there. What a time to be alive. Don't ask me how I am, don't make me lie. I don't lie. And I certainly won't stop using my brain, even if it means that I won't find happiness, or at least not anytime soon. But enough of the pity party.
Life hurts when you try to find logic in it. When you try to make sense of why things happened. There is literally no way of foreseeing anything at all. There is only guessing. The biggest self inflicted pain is blaming yourself for not seeing the consequences of something that hasn't even happened yet. Here comes that "I should have been smarter, I should have known better" bullshit again that you keep telling yourself because it's easier to blame yourself than admitting that there are indeed a lot of bad people out there and you let one of them in your life. Seriously, nothing makes any sense. Stop trying to outsmart life.
No matter how many excel sheets you keep for your expenses, calculations or travel plans, or how much of an expert you are with it, you can't put a formula on life. It won't work and you won't get any result. How are you supposed to forecast someone stabbing you in the back when they act like you're their everything for a month? Where is the logic in that? I wish my example was exceptional. I used to blame myself for not seeing the signs of it and for not learning from previous mistakes. There is no way of learning, I let that shit go last night. And there are no signs. I am a new person today. Wizened. I used the last empty space on my knowledge shelf to store this new way of thinking and now it's time to move on. It might sound like I actually learnt something after all, but don't worry, I didn't. Not in the sense that it's expected.
I learnt that anything can happen any moment. There is no pattern to it, like if this happens then that will happen after. There is no IF formula. I wish there was, I swear after many failed previous trainings I would finally sit down and learn how to use them. Life isn't that crystal clear. When people tell you after something shitty happened to you that you should have seen it coming and it's basically your fault (???), please do yourself a favour and show them that beautiful middle finger of yours and surgically remove them from your life. How the hell would it be your fault that someone did something bad to you? Did you ask for it? Did you deserve it? Man, don't even get me started on deserve. Yuck. I am not talking about the girl that keeps going back to his cheating boyfriend for the hundredth time - she probably should have suspected the ninety-ninth coming. She still doesn't deserve the pain for being loving (and stupid) though. I'm talking about straight up out of the blue backstabbing. You can't prepare for that.
Once you tell the story to people (you know, when you're ready to be called stupid or naive), they will tell you from which signs you should have seen it coming before. Thanks, I know it now too. It's easy to be smart after the damage is done. I'm also only able to put the puzzle pieces together after I've seen the full picture. Without seeing it first, not so much or it takes much longer. I'm no psychic. When you're with someone and only the two of you know about your sweet moments, it's hard to imagine that something bad could happen and ruin what you have. On the other hand, your friends probably know a lot more about your bitter times, as obviously they are the first ones you run to when in doubt after a fight. They don't necessarily need to know that the day before he cheated he brought you breakfast in bed. It's a perfectly unnecessary information to them, but enough for you to get confused about his behaviour. How can someone so sweet do something that nasty? To be fair, you should have seen the cheating part coming, because he made three fried eggs for you instead of the two you asked for. And three's a crowd. Ha. Sign. Shame on you. Also, don't eat eggs in bed.
Once you tell the story to people (you know, when you're ready to be called stupid or naive), they will tell you from which signs you should have seen it coming before. Thanks, I know it now too. It's easy to be smart after the damage is done. I'm also only able to put the puzzle pieces together after I've seen the full picture. Without seeing it first, not so much or it takes much longer. I'm no psychic. When you're with someone and only the two of you know about your sweet moments, it's hard to imagine that something bad could happen and ruin what you have. On the other hand, your friends probably know a lot more about your bitter times, as obviously they are the first ones you run to when in doubt after a fight. They don't necessarily need to know that the day before he cheated he brought you breakfast in bed. It's a perfectly unnecessary information to them, but enough for you to get confused about his behaviour. How can someone so sweet do something that nasty? To be fair, you should have seen the cheating part coming, because he made three fried eggs for you instead of the two you asked for. And three's a crowd. Ha. Sign. Shame on you. Also, don't eat eggs in bed.
Long story short, please stop blaming yourself for not seeing something unforeseeable. Next time you probably won't be smarter either, you don't level up in life. Don't ignore facts, but also don't give yourself a hard time just because you're surrounded by shitty the wrong people. Just learn to let go anything that causes you pain. One day someone will come into your life and decide to not hurt you for a change. And then you'll appreciate that. That's maybe the only thing you can learn from the disappointment.
V
Comments
Post a Comment