Some of you actually thought I died. No, sorry, still here, still running my mouth fingers through the keyboard. On a more serious note - thank you for the attention and the high demand of my posts, much appreciated. Let's start.
I used to be afraid of spiders. At age ten I saw one in my room - for whatever reason I was home alone like Macaulay Culkin, it was the end of nineties, I was perfectly fine - and I called my mom at work on the landline, absolutely freaking out and crying to come home and kill it. I refused to go back to my room until someone made sure that there was no more of them and this one was indeed very dead - that only happened once my parents were home from work, so I spent a lovely day in the kitchen, sweating on my homework knowing the spider has taken over my kingdom. As I grew older I started to make my peace with them, at first I learnt to kill them myself, then as I felt more comfortable with their existence, I decided to let them live, but somewhere else - none of them ever pitched into the rent. I understood that not all of them were out there to hurt me. In fact, I've only had like five spider bites in my whole life (or at least that I had knowledge of), but so many spiders trying to move in with me. Today I saw one in my bedroom, continued to do my thing and completely forgot about it. It's probably not going to hurt me. Then why would I?
I'm trying to apply this philosophy for the non-insect parts of life too. Every kind of human relationship I build includes the chances - for both parties - of getting hurt. I know, what else is new. But I truly think if you both start with this mentality, the possibility of fuckups are less. Not zero, but less. If you decide to develop a kind heart and try to surround yourself with people that are willing to live the same way, you'll live happier. Much happier. I see many posts - mostly on Instagram, as you might know that I kind of live there - saying "cut toxic people off" and so on, in order to live a better, happier life. I've done that too and surprise, surprise, it's easier said than done. Sometimes you don't even notice who is really toxic in your life. Brutally honest people are easily mistaken with them. Cutting people off is risky and cruel. What - I think - is better, is to try to let only kind hearted people enter your life. Of course it's hard to see in the beginning when you just met the person if they have the same kind of organ as you do, but you might be able to spot them - as you're one of them. The most simple rule I've recently set for myself is to treat everyone as they treat me. Do I see kindness in their actions? Yes. No. Maybe. Just kidding, there is no maybe, be the strict teacher you hated in school. It's easy then to see who is in the relationship with their whole heart. I continue to believe that not everyone is out to screw you over. Just like the spiders, not all the people you meet will hurt you. Or at least not intentionally. And even if they do, an honest apology and willingness to solve the problem does the magic.
And what if there is no willingness? It only means that there is no kind heart - yet. I stand by my statement above, that this is something you can develop. The ones that know pain, the ones that have been truly hurt, won't want to make anyone else feel that way - no matter what the person did to them. I would never bite a spider back. I would accidentally bite off a leg or something and it wouldn't be able to go to work anymore (insert the web developer joke here) and support his family and I'd feel terrible! Jokes aside - the world would be a much better place if everyone just chose kindness over anything else. Revenge for example... something I will never get. Just because someone did something shitty to me (or I believe so - in this case), why would I put their toothbrush in cat pee? Based on a true story. Horrible. Why would I make someone else suffer just because I'm hurt? How does that do any good for any of us? I don't have the time and energy, and I definitely don't have the heart. And if you're that kind of person that gets satisfaction out of hurting someone by taking revenge - please stop reading my blog and call a priest.
I don't believe that there is only one truth in any story and I certainly don't think everything is black or white. I don't believe I should be the one deciding who needs to suffer. On the other hand - why would anyone need to suffer? When you meet someone for the first time, you have no idea what they've been through. Why would you add to their misery? I always say to people I meet: I am here to make your life better, not to make it worse. I want to add to their happiness. I want to be there to dry their tears. I want to be the one they can always count on. (So when they see the toxic people post on Instagram I won't be the one being cut off. Hah.) That would be some serious Pleasantville shit if we all lived like this, I know. But in a perfect world... Anyway. I keep repeating in my head that not everybody's trying to hurt me, especially in tougher times. The more kind-hearted people I have in my life, the easier it is to believe myself. The easier it is to stay positive. And in times like these, it's probably the most important thing you can do for your own sanity.
I have some difficulties with this when it comes to romantic relationships. Having had really shitty experiences in the last couple of years didn't help either. Only recently have I understood that just because a man is stuck in a certain mental state, it doesn't mean that it's against me. See above... you never know what exactly they've been through and his needs and fears might have nothing to do with you. Not every single one of them gets in touch with you solely to ruin your life. Some still manage, kudos to them. I have to remind myself of this before every date. That looks like: me, standing in front of my mirror, doing my make-up, repeating: he won't bite. Some bite. Mostly in bed. Like spiders. But you're awake. (At lease I really hope so.) I failed to start anything new before this attitude. I jumped into things DOA, being a hundred percent sure that it won't work. I'm not saying that I did a full 180 since then, but staying positive feels a lot healthier than meeting someone with my resting bitch face like "Hi, I'm Vivien, it's probably not nice to meet you, let's see how you'll fuck it up." I'll elaborate on the success of my new attitude once I have enough statistics to show. This pandemic doesn't help much. And I think we've all become a lot weirder. But that's another post.
If you don't mind, I'll check on that spider in my bedroom, see how he's doing and ask him if he wants the fly from the living room for dinner. I have a whole zoo here today. Long story short, stay positive, be kind and do whatever the fuck it takes to make yourself happy. Then the rest will follow.
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