Man up!

There's a possibility that men will stop visiting my blog after this post. This is not at all what I'm aiming for. I'm more in peace with you today that I've been in the last one year. If after reading this you only take a minute or two to think about what I said here, I swear I'll die happy.

One of the biggest differences I've seen between women and men is how we deal with a heartbreak. There are so many jokes about girls crying, getting together to talk shit about guys, having wine, and don't forget about the mandatory ice-cream-with-a-big-spoon-while-crying scene. You keep saying you'll die alone with your cat - even though you don't own one and you hate cats. We can do this for days or even weeks - in extreme cases a few months. One minute we curse the day the ex was born, the other we miss them. We cry it all out. Then time passes and we start to heal. That's what we do. That's what we're good at. We rebuild ourselves again and again and again. Until we're ready to love again. With accepting the possibility of getting hurt again too.

Men, on the other hand... If I had a cent everytime I heard "I was hurt once, so I decided to not love again", I'd be a euromillionaire. They get their heart broken once in high-school and that's about it. Then every single girl they meet after the one that hurt them suffers the consequences. Most of them simply reject the idea of getting into a relationship completely. Some of them that actually give it a  half-try, fail, and blame it on that one girl from ten years ago. This is a great excuse to never really try again. And for quite a while life can be fun living in this state of mind, no doubt about it. All the travels, parties, picking up girls, taking them home definitely gets you high and makes you satisfied. I always say that everybody should have this experience in their life before settling down. The problem is, they don't want to settle down. I mean - it's not necessarily a problem, if that's what you want from the bottom of your heart (and not because it's broken), then who am I to tell you to go and start a family. And why would you. My issue with this army of fuckboys is that they feel entitled to do whatever the fuck they want with girls and their feelings just because they had one bad experience. Please let me put this here: we're not her. Let that sink in.

Yes, the next one might hurt you as well. Maybe the one after that will too. But if you never try, you'll never know. Have you got an idea how many times women get their hearts broken? A lot. And each time we get up, pick up the broken pieces and build ourself stronger. After thirty I mastered the construction work. The guy went away for a long weekend specifically to fuck make love to another woman (who probably also didn't know about me) while I was waiting for him on my couch watching rom-coms? I laughed it off and moved the fuck on. I could be sitting on my bed choking on tears and ice cream feeling sorry for myself, but there is nothing to be sorry for. Not a single teardrop, not a minute wasted thinking about him. Getting rid of something that is bad for you and can only hurt you is never a loss, you win. On to the next one. Because we know how to be open to let someone new in, even after being treated like this.

Guys don't. Shutting out the slightest chance for anything deeper is how they live with a broken heart. Let me tell you something. Your heart is worth repairing. Yes, go out after a breakup, get annoyingly drunk with your bros, hit on girls, maybe take one home - but be honest with her and tell her it's only sex, nothing more -, then have a long sleep, wake up and start to build yourself back the fuck up. A man that is able to love is a man that we appreciate and want to stay with. You'll get that love back eventually, there are so many nice girls out there, not all of them are to hurt you. But enough of the pep talk.

Instead of the get drunk - pick up a girl - bang it out - move on steps, what men boys do after that one that broke their heart is something that belongs in soap operas. I've (unfortunately) seen it a few times myself and still couldn't believe my own eyes and definitely didn't know how to handle it. The crying, the begging, the threatening, the endless messages... no. Guys, no. There is only a limited amount of the above that we can handle. So can you, when you break up with a girl. You know that it would annoy you too. If she broke up with you, believe me, she has moved on weeks or months ago. She's no longer emotionally invested in the relationship. All the things you try to make her stay won't work. Letting go is hard, but remember, if someone wants to leave, help them pack, wave goodbye. You're better off without someone that doesn't want your company. I've also had so many of my exes (really, there is only one exception, so flattering) trying to get back together eventually. Another no. I've said it before, it's plain stupid. Something that already didn't work, won't. We're better off. What girls do (mostly, I know it's not all of us) is we wrap up all our feelings when you break up with us, throw it over our shoulder and carry it to our friend's place where she's waiting for us with a bottle of rosé, then we enter the house, take off our shoes (wash our hands - it's corona time), and start to unload the baggage. We analyze the shit out of it. Every word said out loud, every word that should have been said out loud. You might receive a text or a call from us as we finish the wine, but we won't keep calling you to make your night as miserable as you made ours. Again, most of us. Some girls are weaker, some are bit of psychos, but what can I do. I'm trying to make a point here, just walk with me.

Another thing that I don't understand - and it's probably because men are less of emotional creatures than women and feelings without logic don't trigger their needs as much - is how the hell don't you want to have someone in your life that makes it better and you happier? Not right away, of course, take whatever grieving time you need until you're ready to work on yourself, but why would you cross out the possibility of that? Why would you want to stay broken? Let me paint a picture. You've been a proper fuckboy for 15 years after your first heartbreak. You didn't want to have any kind of relationship because of that bitch Carole Baskin (sorry, quarantine got me there). Now you're thirty-nine. Thirty-fuckin-nine. You meet a nice girl (I wish to say woman, but if you're thirty-nine and single, there's a better chance you'll go for a girl as you've lived in the gym for the last two decades and you can), and you fall in love with her. It's not late for anything at all, you decide to propose to her, you get married and have a baby or two. Or eleven, I don't know, maybe you want your own football team. You build a life together. Now. When I fall in love, there is always one clear sign for me, that's how I know it happened: I start to feel like I wish I'd met the person earlier to be able to share our lives with each other longer. You know, like, before we die and all. In my case it's never really death that tears us apart, it's mostly immaturity, but let's not open that door. As you're thirty-nine when you meet your other half, wouldn't you regret not being open to anything serious before? Just so you could have spent more time together? Remember, you love this girl, you actually enjoy being with her. Or you say that you met them exactly when you were ready? Otherwise it wouldn't be her? Maybe. What I believe is - and this will be very divisive - people don't have one perfect other half, one soulmate out there. I think the word soulmate is very misunderstood and overused. I believe some people get along better and some don't (shocking, I know). I believe that life shaped some of us in a similar way and when we find each other we just click better. But to believe that there is only one perfect someone out there for each one of us? Oh God, please, no. If I believed that I would just go and act like a real fuckboy and give up trying to find him. What if my so called soulmate lives on the other side of the world in a country I never plan to visit and he doesn't travel? So that was it for me and my one true love? No. So I honestly think if you're open to love again, the good kind of love will eventually find you. It might take a while, but once you find it because you didn't take the possibility away from yourself to do so, you could have all the above earlier.

You can say "but I'm not ready earlier, and I don't want those things earlier". Alright. Let me tell you another story. My father was forty when I was born. Yes, that means he's turning seventy-one this year, well done, Scott, taking those extra Math classes in school did pay off, didn't it. He wasn't ready. At the age forty. It happens, I also dated a man last year that is forty now and oh boy, was he not ready for honesty commitment. But after forty you turn seventy in a blink of an eye and then both you and your daughter wish you had more time together. One of the many pressures I felt lately was that I really hope my father will meet his grandchild. This thought fucks you up real good as a thirty year old single woman. If you, as a man, can avoid these kind of problems by deciding to grow up from a heartbreak, move on from that trauma and overall just be a better man, why wouldn't you? This is what requires real strength, not flipping tractor tires during your CrossFit workout. Also, CrossFit is a cult, rethink your life choices. (-Loses CrossFit readers here-)

This is not to shame men. This is what I've observed since I started dating, and as it's unfortunately in my nature, I want to help. One post might not do anything, but if it makes you think or changes just one man out there, it was already worth it. No matter if you're a woman or a man, heartbreaks are tough. But you're tougher. Never for a minute forget that.

V