Silence doesn't mean one has nothing to say.
Silence can mean that one started a new job and lost sense of space and time as one basically moved into the office, but one does not want to complain, as one knows perfectly the future worth of the investment in the suffering.
Silence can also mean that one has been on a wild ride of an emotional rollercoaster and one does not know how exactly she should put the story in writing to perfectly reflect its complexity.
One is tired.
Change is hard. Change hurts. Change is worth it. Just take a look at the US elections, we've been biting our nails down to the bone in the last couple of days just to finally get rid of the class clown. Change is good. A big change always comes with big sacrifices. You can't let something new in without throwing some of the old out. And throwing out the old means cutting the emotional cord that attached you to it. Same goes to habits. We all know they die hard. My old habits are currently on life support system, waiting for me to pull the plug.
This pandemic has brought bigger changes in our lives that we could ever imagine. We stopped travelling and learnt to stay in our homes, live with a mask on and not touch people. I'm not alone when I say I do not mind the latter. What it also changed, is our mindsets regarding certain things. Hopefully after this, we'll be more aware of health-related issues, environment and oh God please, personal space. Back in March, my biggest hope in the lockdown was to purge fuckboys. Meaning that: in case they were jumping from hole to hole like sick bunnies until now, maybe they start making some sense in their loneliness. When you are not able to fly around the globe and put it into every living thing on Earth, maybe you start to think about settling down - as it seems we have all already settled down, but some of us alone and against their will. Well, this situation does not seem to end and it got me thinking. Thinking and shaping my own mindset regarding relationships and settling down.
Why do people cheat?
We're programmed to constantly want to improve. We want the better. We want the bigger. We change our cars for a newer version. We leave our jobs for another one that seems better or pays more. We sell our houses to buy a bigger one - well, the previous generation does, millenials might rent a bigger one at best. This need for the better, the bigger, the shinier drives us through our whole life. When we get into a relationship, the person is everything for us. We convince ourselves that they have all the qualities we're looking for and there has never been and there will never be better. Until there is. When the clouds dissolve from our mind and we see clearly that our partner is a human being that is perfectly capable of making mistakes and doing things in a way we don't like it, what do we do? We go and reflect our expectations on someone new. The new prey person becomes the new everything. And this, kids, is how people cheat. When in reality there is literally nothing in it that is really worth it. The person you choose to cheat with is just as messed up as the one you're with. Maybe in different ways - I don't know, God forbid, maybe he's a Trump supporter -, but still messed up. Being with the new person would suck just as much as being with the one you're already with. Let me elaborate, I feel the shock you're in. It's not at all that bad.
Let's circle back to my new job. It is - what is the modern word for it? - challenging. I am working under pressure in a fast paced work environment. I developed a proven track record of meditation bathroom breaks. The worst place to inhale and exhale. One day, while I was brainstorming in the office, I started to wonder how it would have been if I accepted the other job offer I'd got. If I took the right decision. If that one would've been any better. Then it hit me. There is no better, there is only different. Of course when you're drowning in tasks you have no idea how to handle on your first week, the unknown other seems more appealing. This isn't a question of better or worse. You could easily say that you've made the wrong decision without knowing the consequences of the other one. I spent ten seconds thinking about what exactly my job would have been if I took the other offer and I shook. It did not sound better even for a second. There is always a downside. There are always things we don't like or don't enjoy doing. We can always look for something else, but then what's the guarantee that it will be any better? We have to learn to enjoy the things we already have.
Isn't it what this pandemic has taught us? Finding joy in things that surround us. Learning to love the inside. Making the best out of something you're stuck with. You can wish you were quarantined in a beachouse with unlimited pina colada and half naked bar staff, that's what we all dreamed about in March, but eight months into this new way of living, I must say I think we started to make peace with our lives now. If you've baked a banana bread in 2020, your argument is invalid. And it's no different in relationships either. Once you've dated everything that you should not in the Universe, maybe it's time to step back and appreciate the reachable positive things a little bit more. Being in a relationship with someone that makes you feel like no matter what you do they will be there, is something I say is worth trying to appreciate. There will always be something that you're missing or would want in a different way. Always. If there isn't, there's a chance that one of you is lying. I said it, I meant it. Settling down doesn't necessarily mean that you've found someone and from day one everything is perfect and eternal sunshine and happiness. There will be fights. At times it will get messy. But the one you settle down with, will be the one that makes it all right. There are things that are worth the fight. Without fights we wouldn't have history.
I never liked the expression "settle down". It sounds like giving up to me. Settle sounds to me like you agree to something that isn't the best, but you're okay with it. Whenever I hear settle, I can't help but put "for less" next to it in my head. Then the "down" part doesn't really help much either. But this year, I have made my peace with it. I feel like I've understood it and accepted the fact that there is always a compromise when it's about sticking to something. When you settle, you choose. You choose that one and not the possible better, the bigger, the other. You come to realize that the other is just the same if you give it enough time. I'm talking about being picky, not about being with the wrong person. If they hit you with half a brick every night before sleep, please go find something else. But when you've found someone that is there for you every single day to chase the clouds away - both the one that you keep dragging above your head and the one that clouds your mind from seeing the person clearly - just by being themselves, it's worth the compromise to put wild days behind. To not long for a hot one night stand on a sandy beach under the moonlight. To not look for someone else with a bigger... lego set, I don't know what you're into, I like playing with legos. This is not the time to live like that. Neither is the pandemic, nor above the age thirty. The latter in case you eventually want a loving husband and a cool baby. If you don't, I'm happy for you, you go girl!
Finding someone that you decide to stick to means settling down for me. Deciding to stop chasing the idea of a fairytale relationship means settling down for me. Seeing the person as they are, with the good and the bad, and accepting them means settling down for me. There is no way of putting it nicer: settling down means deciding to give up the possibility of finding both better or worse. We act like we have a choice until we admit and accept that we do not. And that is liberating. Then we rationalize and make the decision: okay, this is what I'll go with. No matter what comes our way after. No matter what we imagine of what could come our way after. Life becomes very different after letting go of the constant pursuit of something better. You simply start to feel like things are just good the way they are and it doesn't really matter what you choose, it only matters how you see it. Flip the switch.
Silence means I had too much to say.
V
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