Good mournings

 Not only death can do us part.

When someone close to us dies, society accepts our grief. Not only do they accept it, but they expect us to spent a certain time dealing with our sorrow. Widows wear black for a year after their husband passes away, regardless how long it actually takes them to start to feel better. Nobody tells them off for not getting their shit together and not getting over the loss in whatever time. Nobody expects them to go out, meet someone new and move on. Nobody asks them to feel a different way.

I've been watching a lot of Virgin River lately, as it shows. I binged the first season, not because it's that exciting, but because it's so relatable. No, my husband did not die. I still haven't been married yet, woop woop.

Watching the show got me thinking hard. What's the difference between someone leaving you for good and someone dying? Knowing the pure fact that the person who left you is still out there somewhere happy and healthy? I'm not that much of a good person to find relief in that. If you lost a person from your life at a certain point and have never seen them or heard from them ever since, how is that any different from if they'd just died that day? People around you would think that you're batshit if you started to dress in all black and mourn, while honestly the feeling isn't really that different. You don't feel like doing anything all day apart from crying and thinking about scenarios how you could have avoided what just happened. You blame yourself for not being able to do more to save what you had with them. In both cases you know you won't make any new memories with them, so you just feed on the old ones until you turn completely bitter. If you're a mourning widow, people think it's beautiful and will be there a hundred percent to support you, while in the other case at best they will try to hook you up with someone. The last thing you want to do.

Why isn't it more socially acceptable to give time to us to bathe in our sorrow without someone in the story losing their life? Because nobody else is sad apart from you. At your husband's funeral you have the whole family and friends going through the same shit as you are, they feel what you feel, it hurts them too, just as much as it hurts you. Now think about your worst breakup. Dig deep. You know exactly who you're thinking about right now, we all have that one. When they left you, who was the one suffering? Their mom wasn't sad (maybe a little, if you played your part well while it lasted), their brother was okay, their friends already forgot your name. The only one in pain was you. And if it doesn't hurt other people, they won't care that much. At best you might get an emphatic text message from someone on their side and that was it, gone with the wind. People will eventually expect you to wake up one day, and be fine with what happened. The sooner the better. But what if that day never comes?

I've seen in a lot of movies where widows were not back to who they were before. The story was usually about some romance-crap, like they met someone new, Hollywood-stuff happened, and they had to tell the new guy that they were not ready. Just like in PS I love you. Now. If you went on a date after your worst breakup - can be a year after, can be a week, that's unimportant -, and told the new guy that you're not fully functioning, because you lost someone, and then tell them: no, no, haha, nobody died, I was just left - they would probably block you on tinder on the way out of the bar. While you're sitting there, finishing your drink, getting more and more sure about not being able to find that kind of love ever again. Same story as before: beautiful if someone died, pathetic if you were "just" left. But the feeling is the same.

Of course, you always have the possibility to pick up the phone and reach out to the one that got away. But really, is there anything left to say? You can cry, you can beg, you can promise them the world, it won't bring them back. Now, how is this different from trying to bring back someone from the dead? And if there's no difference, why can't we mourn? I'm sure it would do no harm to the soul if we just had our own little ceremony after each breakup. Like a small relationship-funeral, but with wine. Maybe it would even give some kind of closure to the tragedy. And if it doesn't, at least you tried. I remember in Sex and the City one of them said it takes half of the time of the relationship to get over it. I always thought these predetermined relationship-closing-times are stupid. So if I was with someone for two years, following this logic, either I should suffer for a whole year, or magically feel better right after the 365th day. One minute after midnight. I am not okay with either one of them. If I get over it in four months instead of twelve, does it mean I should still spend the remaining eight months feeling sorry for myself? Or... - and here's the twist - if I am unable to move on from the pain and loss after a year, should I pretend that I am perfectly fine, just so people won't think I've lost my mind? 

It's not the time that matters, it's what you're feeling inside. If you're not ready to move on, don't fuckin move on. You have all the right to live your emotions, because if you don't, and you push them down - let me tell you from experience - you're going to spend way more time in the dark than you originally planned.

I am perfectly aware of the fact that I am now contradicting myself. I guess I'm full of surprises. Even for myself. I've come to realize since my "build yourself back the fuck up" post, that moving on and learning how to live with the pain are two very different things. And I am now mourning. And it's good.

V