The good thing is I'm turning 35 in a month. Pop the confetti.
I was sitting outside with her in their garden in complete disbelief that life has come to this. It's almost funny. She's my age and we've been going through pretty much the same things at the same time since we were 17. I started to list all the health issues I've been having, the permanent ones and the current ones. Days went by. Children grew old. Earth finally boiled. Madonna dropped a new single. I almost even shocked myself with how long I was going on about it. She had some follow-up questions (as she should), but she was pretty much aware of most of them already. Then she did the same. Humanity moved to Mars. Madonna had her first grey hair. We sounded like two 80+ women just casually waiting for death on a Saturday afternoon. Then we slowly (back pain) proceeded back to the living room to watch more what-can-a-car-drive-over-and-what-sound-it-makes videos with her son. We were not forced to. We asked for it. That's where we are, mentally. Age 4.
This was months ago.
I have not had the will to live energy to put this all into writing until now. And now I'm not sure where to start.
Have you ever had that feeling at work that you have so much on your to-do list, that you're completely frozen and can't start working on any of them? Psych, of course you have. You also know by now that it's called task paralysis. I kinda have that now with words. How do I share this story without oversharing or making it a pity party, when I'm in the best mood I've ever been? How do I tell you what I went through this summer without triggering keywords that will auto-call the suicide hotline? How do I begin?
You might ask, why do I even want to share, if it's so complicated, or so personal. Well, isn't it what I do here anyway? Most of the things I decide to share, are things I wish I'd had information about before they happened to me. If there's only one soul out there that has an "aha!" moment from reading my posts, it was already worth it. I want you to relate to my topics and know that you're entitled to your feelings, they are valid and you're not alone with them. Call me your cult leader.
So let's see what we've already talked about, shall we? You've already read about migraines, endometriosis, gastrointestinal issues, orthopaedic issues and my personal favorite; mental problems. And these are just the ones I've already mentioned in the blog, don't be silly to think the list is complete. I'm just a girl, standing in front of you, enjoying life to the fullest. Live short and prosper.
You know how they say above thirty you start to have all kinds of issues - well, for me that has always been the case, they did not start at thirty. However, they started to happen simultaneously, all the time. To be fair, that's also nothing new for this year, I've been juggling with that for years and got used to managing random- and expected physical pains, almost without a break. From time to time I get tired of it and I break a little, but in three decades I've found remedies that help me cope with the most parts and make me almost feel normal to live this way. Again, there's nothing extreme here, I'm well aware that other people have it worse, more serious, or more painful, but it's also not nothing. Sometimes I forget that it isn't normal to constantly experience some kind of pain and I see my life just as normal as anyone else's is. Other times I don't cope that well, and have the belief that life is exceptionally unfair to me, and I should not live like this.
Then the mentals kick in. And when they kick in, they kick in both-legs-smash-the-door-barge-in-terminator style.
My list must sound already enough to deal with - again, not a pity party, but if you think about it as a day-to-day pain-to-do list, it is enough. And then come the circumstances. Work. Family. Relationship. Friends. Chores. Responsibilities. Random stuff. If another piece of the machine breaks on top of the already damaged engine to start with, hell breaks lose. Not everytime, but when it does, it takes everything with and it's not easy to stop the apocalypse from happening. There are times when I can, and I have the mental strength to pull myself back up, but there are times when I stay defeated. I reach out for those parts that have not collapsed yet and I break them to a million pieces. Go big or go home, am I right?
This year was shaky from the start. I'm yet to mention my superpower, stay curious. I started 2024 in the hospital with tonsillectomy and turbinectomy. I also had no idea what that was, worry not. I was less afraid of the tonsil removal, as it was my third time. I'm a regular. VIP, if you will. See, one of my favorite hobbies is to regrow my tonsils every couple of years. Turns out, that too gets worse as you age, who would have thought. The recovery was double the time as it was after the last surgery. Anywho, I did recover by spring. I had high hopes for the rest of the year, I thought the rocky start would get me compensated by some magical power that watches over me and decides my faith - then I remembered why I wasn't religious anymore.
I entered my panic-era. There's some beauty in not knowing when your next breakdown will happen. Keeps you on your toes. Keeps you alert. Keeps you insane.
It started out slow. I wasn't suspicious, I've had panic attacks before, ain't nothin' new here. Within a few months things started to feel heavier and then it only took a minor inconvenience to park my garlic-ass on the sofa and put myself in house arrest. It took me 34 years to finally ask for help.
I felt defeated. Admitting dysfunction didn't bring me relief. I was extremely disappointed in myself, as most of my adulthood I branded myself as strong and independent, as someone who manages life's obstacles by herself, no matter what. But being able to rely on someone else for a solution isn't defeat. Having someone supporting you isn't a negative thing, it's a blessing. Whether it's professional help or a loved one lifting weight off your shoulders - or both, if you're lucky -, it's something we have to learn not only to accept but to appreciate. I no longer want to be celebrated for being strong. It is something that is necessary in order to survive, but I don't only want to survive. I want to live.
It's been a long and difficult way from being afraid to go to the grocery store to be able to perform on stage again, but I got there. Healing isn't easy and it's far from the end of my journey, but I am extremely proud of myself now, months later, that I took that step to start it when I saw no way out. There's always a way out. Whether or not there is still a stigma on certain healing methods, it shouldn't matter. Do what works best for you and be open to change. Be open to let certain things go. Be open to embrace things you were afraid to. Cult leader 101.
I swear I'm not trying to preach. I'm trying to touch a very heavy topic very lightly to make it more digestible. I've had social media posts in the past years about depression, but none of them were too elaborate nor did they reflect enough the fact that it's a lifelong journey rather than a one-time thing. I think the biggest problem that people with depression and anxiety face is that they think or hope that one day there will be a definite end to it. Just like when you have the flu; if you take care of yourself, if you take the medication, if you rest enough, it will pass and you will be cured. I wrote a facebook post a few years ago about how depression stays with us for life. Don't get me wrong, I'm no doctor, this is just how I experience it. In my opinion it's something that is always there once you've had it, but it's up to your mental strength how deep you can shove it down. When you have the right support and are able to deal with circumstances, it's almost non-existent. And there are times when you can't deal, then it sneaks back into the surface and you get darker. I like to call it as Dexter did; the dark passenger. We share this life, but it has to be clear for both of us, that I'm at the wheel. I'm in charge.
About medication. I was extremely hesitant to write about it, but now that I'm so deep into the topic, I'm thinking why not. But I have to say this one more time before I start; this is my journey. My experience. I'm well aware that it's not the same for everyone out there, so it's very important that we find the healing method that works for us, and not try to follow what works for other people. Professional help is crucial, I'm just a baby blog.
I came up with a metaphor to describe how medication works for me. Yes, I will share.
Imagine you're sitting in a cinema, all alone. It's a normal cinema room, there are a lot of seats, it's dark, loud, there's a screen and the door of the room is locked. You can't leave. On the screen, they play your past traumas, mistakes, bad memories, current and past worries, issues, problems and fears. 24/7. You can't leave, it's bright, it's loud, so that's all you can focus on. You only catch a break when someone (a friend, a partner, a family member) unlocks the door to come in and sit next to you. Then for a while you have company, you can maybe talk or focus on each other, but in the background the screen is still on, and everything is playing as always. Then the person leaves and you're alone again with your "movie". One day, the janitor comes in, turns off the screen, turns on the light in the room, and opens the door for you to leave.
There is no janitor without its facility manager, medication is half-success without a psychotherapist and vice versa.
I'm now at the stage when I enjoy life outside of the cinema and work hard to get back to normal and get better than what my normal used to be. It's showing in every area in my life and I feel extremely proud to have admitted defeat, when in reality it wasn't defeat at all, it was just the first step of a long due journey towards a full life.
There's a first on this trippy trip that I managed to unlock recently; the apology-era. Now that I feel put (back) together and can think clearly without this shitty movie playing in the backround, I reassessed some past events, certain situations that used to bother me to see clearly what exactly happened there. Long story short, that resulted in me apologizing for 15-20 business day straight, but at least for things that I would now do differently. At the time, I didn't know better, but now I do.
After going through hell, you're happy with the temperature at the Equator. I don't mind dealing with my usual health issues anymore, as long as I'm strong enough to manage them. It used to trigger me so much when someone said "stay positive" or stuff like that, but I must apologize once more, as it turns out it was the chemical imbalance in my brain that did not let me stay be positive at all.
I need to stop here, I want to focus on the positive going forward and close this chapter - for as long as possible - and go back to watch car videos on youtube.
Thank you for your attention once more, and see you at 35.
V
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