30 & beyond

Okay, I'm not actually bored. I haven't been bored since 2003. But I do spend a lot of time at home - like all of you. To be fair the last couple of weeks were a lot of fun as the lockdown eased, but that seems to reach an end now as most people decided to go out and lick each other in bars. Thank you for that. This pandemic has already changed most of us. Thinking back to the time when we could only go outside for a walk in a mask, I remember having the conversation with my friend about how much we appreciate now just to be outside, take a walk in the nature and breathe fresh air. Last year I didn't even imagine that I would enjoy this much just walking in the forest, talking to a good friend. I always needed the crowd, the bars, the noise, the drinks,  the attention? . Now, since the bars reopened (for who knows how long), I still enjoy those moments, but God, we've changed so much! Human interaction feels weird. Ordering drinks became a sitcom. It looks like thi...

Some of you actually thought I died. No, sorry, still here, still running my mouth fingers through the keyboard. On a more serious note - thank you for the attention and the high demand of my posts, much appreciated. Let's start. I used to be afraid of spiders. At age ten I saw one in my room - for whatever reason I was home alone like Macaulay Culkin, it was the end of nineties, I was perfectly fine - and I called my mom at work on the landline , absolutely freaking out and crying to come home and kill it. I refused to go back to my room until someone made sure that there was no more of them and this one was indeed very dead - that only happened once my parents were home from work, so I spent a lovely day in the kitchen, sweating on my homework knowing the spider has taken over my kingdom. As I grew older I started to make my peace with them, at first I learnt to kill them myself, then as I felt more comfortable with their existence, I decided to let them live, but somewhere...

First of all, I hope you appreciate me leaving enough time for you to digest my last post. I know it was hard to swallow. I was also giving myself time to actually go out and live life and come back with enough data collected on it to share my wisdom with you. You're welcome. The days has come, my dear friends. I can finally write this post. I would like to thank my parents for loving each other in the right time, my friends' parents for loving each other in the right time later, and God, of course, for making this possible by loving everyone, everytime. It all starts with me sitting in my living room - all the my best stories start like this - , waiting for my friends to pick me up. Now. This happens once in a blue moon. The excitement that I feel when I'm not the one driving the squad somewhere is indescribable. Let me try though. A five year old kid, on her birthday, which is also Christmas, on coke. I'm not sure I made myself clear enough - I don't get pic...

There's a possibility that men will stop visiting my blog after this post. This is not at all what I'm aiming for. I'm more in peace with you today that I've been in the last one year. If after reading this you only take a minute or two to think about what I said here, I swear I'll die happy. One of the biggest differences I've seen between women and men is how we deal with a heartbreak. There are so many jokes about girls crying, getting together to talk shit about guys, having wine, and don't forget about the mandatory ice-cream-with-a-big-spoon-while-crying scene. You keep saying you'll die alone with your cat - even though you don't own one and you hate cats. We can do this for days or even weeks - in extreme cases a few months. One minute we curse the day the ex was born, the other we miss them. We cry it all out. Then time passes and we start to heal. That's what we do. That's what we're good at. We rebuild ourselves again and ...

Just a quick one for the sake of the perfect week. I can't believe that my posts are actually on demand, thank you for reading me and for wanting more. Damn, I haven't felt this stable in years! Not a single mood-swing in forty-eight hours. If you don't know me in person, that's a huge thing. New me, who dis. Once the monster has been awaken, the only thought I've got is - it's good to be back. What an interesting turn of events. Anyone that has dealt with any form of depression during their life definitely learnt how to appreciate the good moments. No matter how little and insignificant they are. The waitress was kind to you and lent a lighter while you were having your coffee? Fuckin' embrace it. The bartender gave you free shots for the tips your table gave him? Bottoms up. I'm having serious 2016 vibes. If it goes like this, I'll celebrate my twenty-seventh birthday this year again. Fresh start. Erase the negative. Getting rid of al...

I wasted a toothbrush on the last guy. It was seventy-five cents and that counts all my losses. The problem with these cute baby steps is that babies fall a lot. And once fallen, all you've got to do is get up and keep going. But do you still remember where exactly you were going originally? Four years ago I was a completely different person. Carefree, less different kind of anxieties, and just enjoying life from my guts. 2016 was my worst and best year so far. Then 2020 happened, but I think we all agree on this one, don't even make me say anything about it, I wouldn't use the word best in one sentence with it. 2016 felt like a fuckin' decade. I beat depression (my biggest achievement so far), changed countries and career path, and overall started a new life with a brand new way of thinking. I also had tons of obstacles in my way, there were days when I was just stuck in bed crying, but I would never trade those experiences for anything. I wish I could say (or m...

Whenever I'm facing any life problems, for some reason I remember Sarah Hyland's tattoo. That's probably not how I should recall this quote, but what can you do, the human brain is wonderful. I wanted to have a similar one, but thank God I didn't do it, now every third person has this arrow circle arrow circle whatever ink. Lemme be special. Thanks. I no longer fully believe that there is a finish line in life, as I said earlier, I don't think there is a time when a person is fresh out the oven ready, but I do picture it as a straight path towards something. It can be a temporary, closer future mini-goal, or a big one, like how you want to grow old. For me it's having a sandwich stand by the ocean, if you must know. You head towards whatever you plan for yourself on this road, while life throws obstacles in your way. When you're younger, at first you just stand there not knowing what to do with them, you're probably scared and have already called yo...

I found the answer faster than expected. It's not trust issues, it's being smart. I would like to thank my thirtyfivethousandonehundredandtwentysixth heartbreak to get me there. What a time to be alive. Don't ask me how I am, don't make me lie. I don't lie. And I certainly won't stop using my brain, even if it means that I won't find happiness, or at least not anytime soon. But enough of the pity party. Life hurts when you try to find logic in it. When you try to make sense of why things happened. There is literally no way of foreseeing anything at all. There is only guessing. The biggest self inflicted pain is blaming yourself for not seeing the consequences of something that hasn't even happened yet. Here comes that "I should have been smarter, I should have known better" bullshit again that you keep telling yourself because it's easier to blame yourself than admitting that there are indeed a lot of bad people out there and you let ...

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Could you please remind me the name of the store where they sell self-confidence? I forgot to write it down. I think I should stock up on that before I dive into the bucket of shit I'm about to pour here. Brace your hand sanitizer. Let me start with trust issues . Ha. Take a deep breath and continue reading. We love to throw these two words around and blame every unsuccessful relationship on it. But I asked myself the question today - do I really have trust issues (let's be honest, the answer is most probably yes), or am I simply being smart? Is it clever to trust a stranger from day one? How can you put all your faith in someone you don't know? Most people I know say they trust the other person until the trust gets broken. It's not uncommon to say "I lost my trust in this person" , but how do you build it up in the first place? Is there a trust package that comes with every type of new relationship - talking about friendship, coworkership and romanti...

I dyed my hair rose blonde today. This is something that I've always wanted to try, but for several reasons I kept delaying it, just to realize I no longer wanted it - as soon as it was done. Even though the circumstances were finally right and the color suits me a lot, I just don't feel it and I will change it back. The heart wants what it wants. Or does it? In my opinion and experience, our taste, preferences and needs change as we grow older . This shouldn't be shocking, I haven't said anything new yet, but please bear with me. I used to hate pineapples as a kid, and now I can't get enough of them. I used to prefer crowded places and going out to clubs than a quiet night in, but now I appreciate more having my friends over for game night, ordering in, having some drinks and talking shit. My point is: no matter what you used to want in the past, it doesn't necessarily mean that you still want that now. This is exactly when some closed-minded people go...

You remember when you were five, fell of the bike, might have lost a tooth, probably cried a little if your mom was looking, then forgot about it in a minute? You probably had a bleeding knee and a scar that stayed with you for the rest of your life but you just didn't care? Your wounds healed so quickly that you didn't even remember hurting, just having a good time.  Growing up I often ran outside with no shoes on, stepped in shattered glass lying on the street from the bar in the corner, got bleeding feet, then ran back home to my mom to take out the splinter while I was already planning my next adventure around the block. I did not care at all. I was free. Ready to explore more. Then I got older and realized that all my wounds took longer to heal, they needed to be taken care of in order to not leave a mark. The bleeding started to last longer. So did the pain. Healing became harder. My body told me it was time to be more careful. Not only with physical wounds, but ...